An open letter to my baby

July 27, 2010

Dear Robin,

I just found out about you last night, after four tests, and now I should be in bed but I can't sleep. The first line didn't show up at first. Fine, I thought, and started to go tell Jordan we were right, just a little late. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then something, ever so faint, began to rise from the pale pink. I blinked, squeezed my eyes shut, opened them again. Held the test up to the light, looked over my glasses. I must have used it wrong. Or, we bought it at the dollar store, it must be a cheap test. Should have known that price was too good to be true. But another test, showing that same pink line, plus two more tests, the expensive kind, confirmed the news: You are there.

Happenings over the past month which seemed meaningless at the time fell into place like puzzle pieces. Somehow, Suzi knew about you, insisted you were in my belly, but I told her no. There was no way. We weren't trying, and it was far too early to tell anyway. She held her fingers up and said you were really tiny and she was right. You were the size of a poppy seed, but she knew you were there--and could barely contain her giggles of excitement. She has wanted you for a while.

Then Saturday I made this bird's nest necklace. It was nothing expensive or spectacular, but I loved it--a beautiful symbol of motherhood. Three was the obvious number of eggs to put in the nest, and I told myself one was for Suzi, one was for Ivey, and one was for the baby I hoped to have, someday. I really didn't think someday would be coming this spring.

We were not expecting you, and we did not try to bring you, it's true. But sometimes God knows better than we do and He put you there. You are so wanted by all of us. I don't care what anyone says--that we should have waited for a more convenient time, until we had more money, until we'd given several more years of attention to your sisters, until we were older. Yes, having three children at our age does fly in the face of modern wisdom. There will be challenges, but we will face them, and there will be plenty of love to go around. I am already filled with joy at the thought of you in my arms, in our van, in our bed, at our table. Everyone else will be, too.

We love you.

Mama