Mother of three frustration, and why I haven't been blogging more

I really do miss having time to write here. Right now it's almost noon, I've fed the girls and Robert lunch and they are all playing sort of nicely for the moment, and I'm taking a minute to write. I'll probably never get to finish, but I'll start.

Projects I have going on right now:

I am reading Organized Simplicity and (interruption #1! Robert found Ivey's peanut butter and banana sandwich she left in the floor and is eating it. I take it away, he cries.) thinking of how I'd like our house set up. Right now we have more sweaters than I could possibly ever need. I want to have a sweater destash party and invite my friends over to make all kinds of stuff. Hopefully later this month. I also feel like we have too many clothes and toys.

We are going to be reorganizing our living room a bit in a week or so. When we get our tax return we're buying a new, much bigger TV that mounts on the wall! Yay! We recently got rid of our pretty but large entertainment center and have had our TV on that table ever since. When we no longer need it to hold our TV, I plan to use that table as Suzi's craft/school area. I'll set it up in the corner where it'll take up the smallest amount of space (interruption #2! Save Robert from choking on sister's grape stems.). Then I'll set up her markers, colored pencils, scissors and other items on top of it out of Ivey's reach, and put a barstool under it. I just had this genius idea of installing some type of gutter around the edge to catch Suzi's paper clippings. She loves to cut things out of paper, but when the bits fall in the floor Robert tries to eat them. She isn't yet capable of doing a decent job cleaning that type of mess, because it requires (interruption #3! Put Sleeping Beauty's dress back on right now or we will nag you mercilessly, Mom!) fairly meticulous sweeping. And I don't want to squash her creative flow by telling her not to cut. I'll have to figure this clippings-gutter thing out.

Homeschooling Suzi. I am starting a separate blog for this. Maybe it's a stupid idea, given my current level of blog dedication. However, I am going to have to keep records starting in fall 2012 and I might as well keep them in a blog. This way I can refer back to them easily and quickly, it will be in a safe place and easy to keep up with, and friends and family can see how Suzi is doing too! I've already started working on it. I'll have to do a separate post on this later, as there is much more to say. (Interruption #4! Rescue a crying Bobber who needs to nurse!)

The kids are driving me crazyyyy. Right now Robert is nursing and the girls are fighting over our counting bears that I let them play with after a quick math lesson, against my better judgment. My mom and others keep saying that it'd be such a nice break for me if I could get them to take a nap, but the thing is, they don't nap. I frequently try and every time am reminded why it's a bad idea. Suzi plays quietly in her room, but if I let Ivey "nap" alone there is no telling what she might do. Things could end up being destroyed. One time she chopped all the hair off a toy horse and stuffed it into her pillowcase. I wasn't aware she had scissors and was thoroughly confused at where all that hair could have come from, until I finally saw the poor bald horse. Good thing I bought it for a buck at a yard sale. If I keep Ivey downstairs and try to make her nap on the couch we end up in an ugly power struggle. The fact is, you can't make somebody nap. So I just let them stay up. They are tired and yeah, they could really use a nap, but it's not worth it to try to force them into one. Robert does nap but usually will not be put down for one, so it's not like I can use his naptime to get anything done. (Interruption #5! Ivey needs help in the bathroom, Robert spits up in the floor, Suzi needs help drawing a 3, and Robert needs to be picked up because he is trying to put his face all over Ivey's potty.)

I've had this strange guilt since having three kids. Even when I'm reading books to them and doing nothing that I personally want to do, like paint my nails or pee alone or sit down to eat a meal? What did I do before I had kids again? Anyway, even though I'm doing good things, things that need to be done, I'm feeling guilty because the baby is starting to cry, and shouldn't I be holding him? Is my floor really clean enough for him to be playing in it? Why wasn't I able to get that done? (Interruption #6! Ivey needs paper and I fuss at her to leave me alone a little while because I am nursing the baby while I type and really can't come right now. But on the plus side, high-five Suzi for figuring out how to draw the number 3! It clicked, hooray!) With three kids so little and unable to take care of themselves, at any given time there are about ten things I (interruption #7! Put Robert down, he is done nursing) should be doing. So I get guilt no matter what I do, even when, like last night, I clean with Jordan until 9 pm in preparation for a day with the kids that I hope might not be a total bear.

The other thing that sucks even more than the weirdo guilt is how I just don't do anything sometimes because the things I need to do, like a homeschool lesson with Suzi, a craft project, or a decluttering session, are going to take a few minutes of concentration and both my hands and I'm afraid I'll get halfway in and then have to stop. Sometimes it's better not to start at all. (Interruption #8! Go get Robert out of the bathroom YET AGAIN and shut the door.) Sometimes when you start said homeschooling lesson and then have to see the look in your poor disappointed little four-year-old's eyes when you have to snap the book shut and go clean the poop out of her sister's pants or fish the God-knows-what out of her baby brother's mouth, you wish you hadn't started at all. Sometimes it just hurts when the authors of your curriculum say to "clear your physical and mental space" and make sure there are no interruptions as you work with your child. Because it's freaking impossible. (Interruption #9! Keep Robert from chewing on my shoe, see what Ivey is getting into, and get her that paper she wanted.)

But people do homeschool large families, and their kids do turn out fine, and we'll get it done. I just pray it ends up getting easier soon. (Interruption #10! Respond to an ominous rustling sound to find Suzi cleaning up her own mess. Thank God. Maybe it is starting to get easier already. Just maybe.) I am not giving up completely on what I believe in just because it is hard right now. (Interruption #11. Suzi needs help after all. Bring Robert back into the living room.) I am so looking forward to feeling, once more, what it's like to be productive and not just breaking up fights and cleaning one mess after another after another all day.

Just being honest, though. Sometimes it's wonderful. Every day, many parts of it are wonderful. But this is hard.

And what do you know? I did finish this post after all.

What we did in January

The kids rarely give me time to blog during the times of day when I am inspired to do so, and at this rate I'll barely have anything to look back on when I want to remember all we did during this busy time. I'm going to try to start doing a post at the end of each month with pictures of some things we did, and a few words to explain. Here's what we did in January.

1/2: Went to Build-a-Bear for Cousin Michael's third birthday. Suzi and Ivey both made dogs. Ivey picked out a beautiful Esmeralda costume for hers. And then named it Bullseye.

Suzi named hers Spot, even though it didn't actually have a spot.

Ivey loved the pretend bath station best, mesmerized by the way air came out when you pushed the pedal. She finally pulled up a seat to get comfortable and stay a while. Eventually we had to pry her off of it because a line was forming behind her.

1/7: The weather was so freakishly warm we decided to take the kids to the zoo. The animals were so active! That elephant in the background pooped right in front of us and then another elephant ate it, as a horrified, gagging bunch of visitors looked on. So educational!

A rattlesnake in the reptile house slithered up to look at Ivey through the glass. She stared into his beady eyes. It was eerie. Then she burst into tears and we moved on to the next area. We visited the orangutans and the baby looked at us through the glass, too. Then the mama took the baby over under their shelter and they all looked at us like dumb humans don't even know to go in from a shower of rain. The monkeys screeched and fought, and then when the rain stopped and we got to play on the playground, the girls pretended to be monkeys too.

1/8: We finally started our homemade vanilla extract, after having the beans for weeks. It is so simple, just drop some split-open beans into a bottle of vodka and let steep for several weeks, shaking every few days. I can't wait for it to be ready to use.

1/10: It's been a slow month for crafts, after an almost-too-crafty December. But I did manage to get these arm warmers made for my mom, to match her pullover. I used the Katwise arm warmer tutorial, which you should definitely buy because it's great.

I spent a lot of time during this whole month reflecting on how wonderful our floor is compared to the carpet we used to have. It was an early Christmas present from my awesome in-laws.

Robert continued to eat lots of potatoes and Cheerios and some bananas. Bananas are his favorite thing to toss in the floor. At least half his potatoes end up smeared all over him, in his seat, and thrown in the floor too. But he does eat a fair amount of them, as evidenced by his diapers (yuck). Photo taken 1/10.

1/13: Suzi and Ivey watched The Nutcracker, which we DVR'd in December, and then performed their own unique rendition, which was pretty entertaining as well.

1/15: I made a toy pick-up sticker chart for the girls to help them get into the habit of cleaning. Not really my style, but I figured it was better than yelling at them. When the first row of stickers was complete, their reward was baking and decorating a cake. Mama and Daddy ate a lot of it too. Yum! The next reward is a special movie night with popcorn.

1/20: Robert figured out how to push up onto his knees! He now plays while sitting with his fat, adorable little feet sticking out from under his butt.

1/21: We have to bathe the boy a lot more now that he's in the habit of coating himself in sweet potatoes on a daily basis. He still hates it, screams, refuses to sit down in the water. But he is so cute and cuddly afterwards.

1/24: Allowing Ivey to feed the baby made such a mess, but it was totally worth it for the cuteness. Suzi fed him, too. She did a neater job.

Not pictured:

1/25: Zonker day. We spent about four hours at our favorite park letting the kids run out some energy and get some sunshine after several rainy days. Our friends Baby Adelaide and her dad came to play too! Then we went out to dinner with Daddy and bought Suzi some Beyblades and Ivey a Sing-a-ma-jig. A wonderful day and the kids slept great that night.

1/26: Casserole day. My mom and I went grocery shopping and then spent all day preparing a total of 12 casseroles (white chicken lasagna, pesto chicken penne, spaghetti bake, chicken pot pie). While the kids wore Grandpa out. Full freezers, tired mamas.

That's a little bit of our month so far! Now I'm off to spend some time with Ivey while the baby (hopefully) naps and Suzi plays at Grandma's house.

Bobber: Nine months old

Robert has changed a lot since my last post about him!

1) He's eating now. We usually give him YoBaby yogurt, applesauce, or sweet potatoes from Jordan's family's farm. He eats at least a half a container of yogurt in a sitting. He also eats Cheerios. I bought a container of puffs from Earth Fare, but he actually seems to prefer the (off-brand) Cheerios. Fine with me; they are cheaper anyway!

2) He still wins at hair, and we are still not cutting it. It's wavy and sticks up in the front. I love how even if you brush and slick it down, it pops back up. It reminds me of character out of a Dr. Seuss book.

3) Robert is not crawling yet, but he can scoot across the hard floor quite well. What he lacks in coordination he makes up in upper body strength--reaching and pulling himself along with his arms. He spends most of his play time on his belly, scooting around and looking at toys. If he sees someone or something he wants, you see that excited look in his eye and then hear slap-drag-slap-drag-slap-drag as he inches along the floor to get to it. He also loves to find small things in the floor to try to eat. He loves to sink his gums into a good book. One of his favorite hangouts is under his sisters' table because there tend to be crumbs there no matter how often we sweep. It drives me nuts. He gets plenty of floor time now, though. Just today he figured out how to pull up on a chair to his knees!

4) He still loves to cuddle, both with me in the rocking chair and in the Ergo with Daddy. Oh, and also in bed at night. It doesn't matter how asleep he is. He can tell you've put him down and will usually wake up crying if you do. Jordan and I take turns cuddling with him at night. He gets passed back and forth several times, since he still nurses regularly at night and I'm the only one who can do that. Sometimes I just want to sleep without him, but usually I don't really mind. I know I'm going to miss all these cuddles when they're gone!

5) Even though we tried putting him in the tub with his sisters to play and get washed, he continues to hate being in the water. Shower, sink, tub--one is as repulsive as the other to Robert. I feel so guilty washing him, but it has to be done occasionally! I'm too embarrassed to say how long we've let him go between baths.

6) Robert is still sporting a gums-only grin. People keep suggesting that he might be teething, but if he is he has yet to get a tooth to show for it. I love his toothless smile though! It's precious!

7) We took him to the doctor December 28 for a checkup, and while he is doing great, he is a lightweight. He has fallen off the chart a bit since we took him at a few weeks old, but the doctor wasn't that worried. He told us to encourage more solids, and we are (see #1). The same thing happened with Suzi at this age.

8) I can't remember exactly when it was, but Robert learned to say "Mama" at least a month ago and is now saying "Dada" too. He currently says "Dada" more often, but when he is hungry or wants to cuddle and I don't pick him up fast enough, he calls for me. Mamama, uh Ma-mahhhh!

Cuddle King. Sweetest boy ever. I heart my Bobber!

How the New Year's Eve 5K went

A few minutes after finishing, just before midnight!

I ran the whole thing! My official time was 32:34, and I finished about in the middle of the pack. It was great--definitely the coolest way I've ever spent New Year's Eve! I'm so thankful for First Flight. The hard part now will be staying motivated and continuing to run. The next race is not for a long time, and First Flight isn't meeting for a few weeks. I am also getting tired of running around my hilly little neighborhood, and need to find a better place to go. I want Jordan to run with me, but Robert makes that hard. We might buy another jogging stroller when we get our tax refund. We had one and weren't using it so we sold it. Oops!

Blurry pic of me crossing the finish line

My mom and dad kept the girls for the night, but Jordan came with me and held the baby. He had a bad cold, too. Poor sweet Jordy.

And, I wasn't going to write about this, but... Have you ever been in a race and realized you were the pacesetter for someone else? A lot of the people who ran the Resolution Run didn't run the whole thing. 30+ minutes is a long time to run if you aren't used to it, so some people alternated running and walking. There was this one (really skinny, taller, younger) girl who was ahead of me, and about a mile in she started taking walking breaks. I was running at a pretty constant pace. Whenever I'd get past her, two seconds later she'd start running again and would get ahead of me. This happened at least five times. Finally I think she got ahead of me by a minute or two and I didn't see her again, which was fine. It happened to a lesser extent with a pair of runners who finished a couple of minutes after I did. Anyway, it sort of psyched me out during the race. I'm not sure why. I mean, I was trying to run my own race but they were distracting! Also, I may have done this same thing to someone else a couple of months ago in a longer walk/run and now I feel like a jerk. Is this a common thing? I might need horse blinders or hypnosis for next time.

Suzi: Little girl, big imagination

So here is the long-awaited Suzi post.

Oh, Suzi, my firstborn. If ever there were a lesson in learning to discover your child, and not try to mold them into a preconceived notion, Suzi is it. And I am so glad.

The day of our mid-pregnancy ultrasound, Jordan and I invited my parents along to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. When the announcement was made, I said "YYYYES!" I envisioned a future of teensy jewelry and little pink baby shoes and a lavender nursery with lots of pink stuff in it. I thought of all the girly stuff I liked as a child and dreamed of sharing it all with my daughter.

Her first Halloween we dressed her as a tiger, but I tied bows onto the ears so people would know she was a girl tiger. We dressed her in frilly dresses and put bows in her hair for a while. But soon she started to develop her own unique fashion sense. She wanted to wear pants, not skirts or dresses. Nothing too girly. Eventually she began requesting clothes that were boy-ish. She finds fault with so many girls' clothes, even the shirts and pants, that I sometimes just buy boy's stuff for her. This Halloween she asked me to make her a Musketeer costume.

While most little girls pretend to be the mommy or princess, Suzi is the daddy or the prince. She puts on a deep voice, brandishes a play sword and hums dramatic music as she rescues Ivey from a dragon. She watches Tangled and assigns Ivey the role of Rapunzel. Suzi is "Flem" Rider (Eugene). And the best part of all this is that she's a good actor. She commits. She took a drama class recently and I think she might grow into it and want to be in some plays when she's a bit older.

She makes herself costumes. Rain boots are a staple, whether she is playing Santa or a prince or several other things. She ties a scarf or playsilk around her neck and calls it her tie. Sometimes she wears long ties, and sometimes she prefers a bowtie. In fact, on my crafting to-do list is a set of bowties for Suzi. Her favorite plaything is the basket of dress-up clothes we keep in the bottom of our hall closet.

Suzi's other main interests are drawing and writing. I started her out on Oak Meadow's kindergarten curriculum. We did a letter a week with review weeks every three letters. The thing is, Suzi already knows most of the letters and is itching to spell words. My mom works with her when she's at her house, and Suzi will take off on her own, writing a bunch of letters and a few short words in her free time. After learning that tricky Z, she can write her name. Her other favorite words to write: Ivey, toy and "at" words. My mom made her a little book of words ending in "at." Once when we were in the dollar store she begged for a Toy Story word search book and we bought it for her, figuring she could at least color in it even though it was really for an older child. Instead, she took it and began copying the words out of it--long words--and then asked us what she had written. She loves to write the word sister. I think for her official kindergarten year of homeschooling I am going to use the Oak Meadow science, math, health, and other activities we haven't done yet and unschool/supplement if necessary for reading and writing. If we let her lead the way, we'll be fine.

Sympathy note for Ivey, who had bumped her nose on the stairs. Suzi asked us how to spell the words.

What perhaps stands out to me most about Suzi is her love for creating. She draws constantly, and if she sees me taking something out of a box, or throwing something away, she will ask if she can have the item being discarded. She dresses her stuffed animals and herself in scraps of wool left over from my sewing projects. She turns cardboard boxes into cars and all sorts of things. Every day at least once I hear, "can I have that (thing going in the trash/recycling)?" It can be my spaceship!" Or a car, or a present, or a bed for Shroom, which is another story. On Christmas Eve, all by herself, she drew everyone a doll or a toy soldier, folded them up and asked me for the materials to individually wrap them. She is so thoughtful and loves to bring joy to others with her art.

For Grandma - a toy soldier under a rainbow

The flip side? She has never gotten excited over being led through a specific craft project or helping in a prescribed manner in the kitchen. She'll do it, but she much prefers to do her own thing and that has taken some getting used to for me and, even more, for my mom. Who doesn't want their little granddaughter to don an apron and spend some quality time learning Grandma's favorite cookie recipe? It's okay, though. Her imagination, individuality and natural drive to create are going to take her places. With Suzi, my most important role is to protect and nurture these gifts. Doing a better job of that is one of my goals for the new year.

That curly little head is full of beautiful ideas just waiting to be born.

I'm running a 5K tonight!

You should see my "edit posts" list. It's full of half-finished things that I started to write because I was the only one awake and thought it'd be a good time to gather my thoughts. Then the kids woke up and started fighting, the baby wanted me to nurse him, I had to go fix breakfast and then clean up after it, the phone rang... When I come back to half-written posts I often start wondering why I started writing them at all. Who wants to read it anyway? Does anyone care? Should I feel guilty for sitting here writing when the chores I should be doing are absolutely endless? That is how this, the patchiest season of my blog since I started it in 2007, happened.

There are some things I really want to remember, though, like how nervous-excited I am about tonight. It's New Year's Eve and tonight I'm running a 5K! I've run one before. A few, actually, but I was 14 years old. At least one of them sucked, BIG TIME. The one that was really awful I ran as the slowest competing member of our high school cross country team. It was at a nearby school with a confusing course. It was like, "go around the track twice, through the nature trail, over that bridge, around the band field, back through the nature trail, around the school..." I can't find my way out of a wet paper bag. Damned if I can remember a bunch of detailed instructions when I am busy just trying to get enough oxygen to my muscles so I don't collapse. I lagged behind the other runners, and with no one to follow and no volunteers directing I had no idea where I was going. It was so sad. I cried. I'm not sure if I ever finished that one. If I did, it took me a ridiculously long time.

The races got better and eventually I was keeping up with the others. When the season was over I realized what good shape I was in. It was awesome. I didn't go back the next season because I wanted to devote my time to Junior ROTC activities instead, and I haven't run a 5K since.

So here we are now. I am 27. I have had three babies and gained about 30 pounds since I was 14. If you had told me last year that my final act of 2011 would be to finish a 5K... No. That wasn't on my radar. I started running at the end of September because of a local running group called First Flight. The wonderful volunteers come out and run with us for free at a local track, leading us through a program similar to Couch to 5K. The first time I went was week three of the season. The longest we had to run without a walking break was three minutes, and I could barely do it. I started having bad knee pain, and though I finally did finish a 7K walk/run at the end of October, I had to take a long break after that. The chiropractor helped me get back to normal and I started back the next season. Two days ago I went to the track and ran almost exactly the length of the race, 3.1 miles, in under 36 minutes. Not fast. But when I think about what a struggle it was three months ago to run slow for just three minutes without stopping, this is a mountain I have climbed.

I want to do it so I can keep up with all the fun my kids want to have. I want to run with them someday. I want to be one of those 70-year-old women who is still running. It's also a challenge, something to be proud of, and a healthy addiction to replace the junk food that was there before. I've lost five pounds and a jean size since I started, and that's nice too, but my children are my main inspiration.

When I ran at 14 I had no frame of reference. It was pretty much the hardest thing I'd done up to that time. Now when I run I think about birth. I think, this is really hard. My legs are burning and my heart might beat out of my chest. I could just stop now and it would be a huge relief. But then I look at my watch. I remember the intensity of waiting for my babies, the amazing work looming ahead of me and not knowing how long it would last. I gazed off, zoned out, got it done. If I could do that, I know I can finish a run.

The race starts at 11:00 tonight. At the finish line there will be Jordan taking my picture and Baby Bobber ready to nurse and once I get home we will drink champagne and celebrate resolutions begun before the ball ever dropped. I will have done it and it's going to be amazing. Deep breaths. I can do this. And I'm not going to get lost this time, either.

An Ivey update

Our sweet Ivey is about two years and three months old.

1) She talks a lot, quite clearly, but still has her own cute little way of saying certain things. It's a bittersweet feeling for me when she learns to say another one of them correctly. In the past month or two she started calling one of her friends "Chawis" instead of "Kess." A couple of my other favorites: Ponyo is her favorite movie, and she sometimes says "I'm Sos-cake!" (it's really Sosuke, pronounced Soskay). One of her favorite phrases from Toy Story is "evil doctah porkchock!" The girls have a Seven Dwarves set they play with at my parents' house and at some point Ivey learned to cross her arms, frown and say in a deep voice, "I'm gwumpy." Oh, and granola bars (which we are having for breakfast this morning!) are "L-bars." But my absolute favorite right now is what she says when she wants someone to go away and leave her alone. She made it up herself, and says it in her meanest, roughest voice: SMACK OFF!

Ivey and her Ponyo doll I made

2) Between Suzi and Ivey, there's hardly a meal I can fix that they'll both eat. They both love cheese, noodles, apples, grapes and dessert. That's about it. I'm hoping Ivey's pickiness is just a short phase! It popped up around the time she turned two. Previously she was our child who loved to eat lots of different things.

3) Ivey's been keeping Suzi up at night. We put them to bed together, and then we hear Suzi saying "Aah! Ivey! Quit poking me!" Some nights we have to let Suzi sleep in our bed until they both fall asleep, and then we move her back in with Ivey. It's getting better, though, because Ivey misses Suzi and wants her to stay. It's sweet.

4) My favorite qualities of Ivey's are her strength and determination. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to stand up for herself or do something difficult to get it. The persistence that sometimes inconveniences us now will someday serve her, and others, well. When I envision her at 20, these are the qualities I want her to keep.

5) She will drop what she's doing to feed the dog, get me a wipe and diaper so I can change the baby, or turn on the music for Robert on his Jumperoo. She also picks up toys pretty well when asked. So helpful.

6) I should have mentioned it sooner, but we stopped breastfeeding. I guess it was around 25 months, when it seemed she had forgotten how to do it correctly and rarely asked anyway. After she'd gone a few days without asking I started offering her a book and a cuddle instead. She occasionally asks to nurse still, but I decline and she is okay with that.

7) She is really good at doing a fishy face. None of us can do it like she can.

She puckers up, and then...

Smack! Fishy kiss! I love those fishy kisses.

(Plus, could she look any cuter in those piggy pajamas?)

8) Ivey loves to cook. She whips up delicious pretend dinners for us in the toy kitchen and brings them to us to eat. The names are never anything we can understand. When she sees me making something in the kitchen, she is quick to offer her help. I daydream about someday having a child who wants to cook us dinner.

Ivey's Halloween costume. She wanted to be Dixie the Dachshund (our dog who lives with Grandma and Grandpa)

She came downstairs like this one day, looking like she was wearing a crinoline slip under her dress. Turns out it was a tutu.

Me and Ivey working side by side on crafts and drawing

A post about Suzi is coming soon!